I JUST BOUGHT A CULLEN! YAY?
by bloody ampersand
Summary: So you've just bought a CULLEN from CULLEN CORPORATION. First, though, you need to read the owner's manuals. Here they are, and don't skip! Remember what happened when you did that with the coffee maker? Your EDWARD is a lot more complex than that!
1. So you just bought an EDWARD

**CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the owner of a brand new, deluxe, state-of-the-art EDWARD CULLEN MODEL 01. To make sure that he's as healthy as an emo vampire can be, please read this manual.**

**INFORMATION YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW:**

**NAME:** Edward Anthony Masen Cullen

**RACE:** "Vegetarian" vampire

**SUPPOSED AGE:** Well, he's _supposed_ to be 17, but you know he _was_ born in 1901… You know what? Let's just split the difference and say that he's 18. Young enough to still be the most gorgeous piece of flesh out there, and old enough that you won't get into any legal problems later. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

**HEIGHT:** 6' 2"

**WEIGHT:** Do you _really_ want to know a guy's weight? That's just creepy. Maybe you should send this EDWARD back to me, I _really_ don't think he should hang around to be corrupted by you.

**DIET:** Right. So he's a figure. If you've read _Absolute Boyfriend_, you'll know what that means. If not, that means your EDWARD is the best damn "robot" ever. That means that your EDWARD doesn't need to eat, which may throw him for a bit. What's the steak (not included) (mentioned below) for, then? Well, your EDWARD sort of thinks that he's a vampire…

**PUTTING HIM TOGETHER:**

Okay, so it might be a little creepy when you open the box up. I mean, really, you ordered an EDWARD CULLEN MODEL 01, and the stuff in the box looks like someone took a chainsaw to Michelangelo's David. That's normal. If I were you, I would:

1. Open up the lid

2. Put a raw steak nearby (Keep any and all pets away during the assembly process. You don't want to know what a hungry MODEL 01 will do to your little Fifi.)

3. Run from the room, remembering to lock the doors behind you. Will locking the doors keep EDWARD out? Hell, no. But if you're lucky, he'll respect your wish for privacy.

4. After about an hour, he should have finished putting himself all together while you arranged for little Fifi to stay at the local kennel for the time being. Go ahead and open the door. If you don't make any sudden movements, your MODEL 01 should then associate you as OWNER.

5. Though he'll recognize you as OWNER, you need to hurry and tell him that though he's a vampire, sort of (But don't tell him that!), you totally accept him. Otherwise, he'll either kill you or he'll crawl into the fetal position (due to his natural angsty goodness, mind) and mentally and emotionally explode. Oh, he'll physically explode, too.

**COOL THINGS YOUR EDWARD COMES WITH:**

1. State-of-the-art stereo and subwoofers. This will arrive about one business day after your MODEL 01 so that he becomes more attached to _you_ than to his stupid _stereo_. _Please_ take out your MODEL 01 before the stereos!

2. School clothes (Chosen by his favorite sister, MARY ALICE CULLEN)

3. A debit card with so much money, your EDWARD could pay off America's national debt and still be rollin' in it.

4. A natural love of cars. Don't like the beat-up, ready-to-give-out tank of a truck that your dad gave you when you went to live with him? Don't worry. That pile of junk will be replaced with a Ferrari before you can say, "I love you EDWARD CULLEN MODEL 01 vampire-figure!" And with that debit card and impeccable credit history, you won't have to pay a penny.

5. Classic Library—"_Wuthering Heights_, Shakespeare, if it's a classic, we've got it!" (Classic Library is merely an associate of CULLEN CORPORATION. Those at CULLEN CORPORATION and Classic Library would like to remind you that just because it's a classic doesn't mean that it's good or good for you. Remember _Dracula_ and _Lolita_?)

6. Fancy, super-duper CD collection. It's got _everything_. Except for 70's music. **WARNING**: DO NOT LET YOUR EDWARD LISTEN TO 70's MUSIC. IF YOU DO, HE WILL BECOME AN EMMET/EDWARD HALF-BREED. WHILE EMMET IS GREAT, YOU **DO NOT** WANT HIM CROSSED WITH YOUR EDWARD.

**YOUR EDWARD CULLEN MODEL 01 IS MADE FOR:**

**BODY GUARD WORK:** Seriously, do I have to explain this one? Your EDWARD is equipped with a stone-hard body, super strength, super speed, and venom. Plus, he's got a pretty mean right hook.

**HITMAN WORK:** Okay, so did you read the previous bit? Plus, his sharp-shooting is better than yours, I'll bet, and none to shabby compared to the rest of his family's.

**CONFIDENCE BUILDER:** It doesn't matter if you trip over your feet 24/7 or if you're simply not good at public speaking. MODEL 01 will be sure to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Problem is, your EDWARD will have confidence, but an extremely low self-esteem. Glitch in the system or just another endearing trait?

**TUTOR:** After living for over a century, this guy's got some knowledge. For a proper tutor, purchase a CARLISLE CULLEN.

**PSYCHIC:** You know, the kind that can read minds. For a psychic that can tell the future, please purchase a MARY ALICE CULLEN. **Note:** Your EDWARD comes with the ability to read all minds except for yours and BELLA SWAN. But you can change this so that he won't read any minds. Just watch out for his mondo-depression after you flip the switch on his back. His mind-reading is a crucial part of his identity, and he'll not talk to you or anyone else. (Except a BELLA SWAN, but you're not going to buy a BELLA SWAN, are you? See note under HOW HE ACTS WITH OTHER UNITS.)

**LOVER:** Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. Boys, if you ordered a MODEL 01(and you're not our targeted customers, just so that you know), go ahead and ask him for pointers, but DO NOT mess with your EDWARD's sexual orientation. If you do, those at CULLEN CORPORATION will come and take you far, far away where you won't bother the upset fangirls.

**HOW HE ACTS WITH OTHER UNITS:**

**MARY ALICE CULLEN: **Well, as long as MARY ALICE doesn't tease him too much, then they're pretty COMPATIBLE.

**JASPER CULLEN:** JASPERs are scholarly and so is your EDWARD! They'll be UBER-COMPATIBLE, but if you get a JASPER you should probably buy an EMMET too. While JASPERs can relieve tension, an EMMET will be the much-needed comedic relief. Seriously, JASPERs and EDWARDs can become really stoic sometimes.

**ROSALIE CULLEN:** Eh, she can be _really_ bitchy and that'll get on his nerves. It really depends on what moods your EDWARD and ROSALIE are in. Don't go looking for any hearts to pop up, though.

**EMMET CULLEN: **They're fairly COMPATIBLE, but to be UBER-COMPATIBLE you need a JASPER, too. Without a JASPER to offset, an EMMET's humor may be a bit much for both your EDWARD and you.

**ESME CULLEN:** COMPATIBLE. Do you and your mom get along? No? Well then, you'll have no idea how in the world these two are compatible, will you?

**CARLISLE CULLEN:** COMPATIBLE. If you have an EDWARD, though, your CARLISLE will decide that he needs a job and will then work at your local hospital, where he is considered a god and where the ladies try to do not very nice things with him.

**BELLA SWAN: **I beg of you, if you have purchased an EDWARD CULLEN MODEL 01, _please_ **do not buy a BELLA SWAN**. They will not come out of the bedroom, except to get your BELLA food. They are **beyond** UBER-COMPATIBLE; they become each other and know the other better than themselves. Cute to read about, kind of nauseating to see in real life.

**WARRANTY:**

_**This states that the owner of the model, henceforth referred to as the OWNER, may bring the supposedly broken EDWARD back whenever the OWNER would like and not get anything in return. I suppose if the OWNER brings the model back within 40 minutes of purchase the OWNER might get a refund. Amount of refund, of course, depends on how I'm feeling that day and what the OWNER bribes me with which to bribe me. Chocolate usually works, so does a 40s styled-up CARLISLE. Oh--we'll also be checking to make sure that the reason that the OWNER is sending the supposedly broken EDWARD back is because the model was broken when we sent it. If the OWNER somehow manages to break the EDWARD, the OWNER must have magical author powers and I don't want to hear the OWNER complain.**_

**For troubleshooting and FAQs, run to your local bookstore and find our: I BOUGHT A CULLEN! YAY? Special edition excerpt included.**

_**HAVE FUN WITH YOUR EDWARD CULLEN MODEL 01!!!**_

(o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o)

**NOTE**: If you have any ideas for the **Troubleshooting/FAQ** chapter, could you please let me know?

Right-o. The next one will be…MARY ALICE CULLEN!!! YAY! Cheer, dang it!

I got the idea from the lovely Enjie Yekcam's _ICHIGO: The User's Manual_. She was nice enough to let me try this! Thank you, Enjie!

Also thanks to my beta, who should be working hard as hell to get the next one back to me _soon_!


	2. So you just bought an ALICE

**CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the owner of a brand new, deluxe, state-of-the-art MARY ALICE CULLEN MODEL 01. To make sure that she's as healthy as a hyped-up, shopping-obsessed pixie/vampire can be, please read this manual.**

**INFORMATION YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW:**

**NAME:** Mary Alice Brandon Whitlock Cullen

**RACE:** "Vegetarian" vampire

**SUPPOSED AGE:** Well, she's _supposed_ to be 19, but you know she doesn't have a clue as to when she was really born…though she's pretty sure it was circa 1910. You know what? Either way, she can take you to Paris, New York _and_ Milan first class all in one day with less than 11 minutes' notice. Who cares how old she is?

**HEIGHT:** 4' 10" (I would make a joke here, but did you know that there is someone out there that makes stilettos with real stiletto knives for the heels? Put them down, ALICE…)

**WEIGHT:** I would tell you, but she bribed me with these really cute shoes…and threatened me with those stilettos again.

**DIET:** Right. So she's a figure. If you've read _Absolute Boyfriend_, you'll know what that means. If not, that means your ALICE is the best damn "robot" ever. Your ALICE doesn't need to eat, which she'll only think of as a plus. While the other shoppers are busy eating, you and she will be getting all of the best buys! Why do pets have to stay away during the installation process (mentioned below), then? Well, your ALICE sort of thinks that she's a vampire…

**PUTTING HER TOGETHER:**

**WARNING: **Keep any and all pets away during the assembly process. You don't want to know what a hungry MODEL 01 will do to your little Fifi.

You should have gotten a big, wooden crate in your bedroom. Yes, your bedroom. That's normal. If I were you, I would:

1. Get a crowbar and pry open a side.

2. Peek inside.

3. Notice that your ALICE is not in there and immediately jump to the conclusion that we at CULLEN CORPORATION are insensitive morons. Well, that's what you usually think when something like that happens, isn't it? We were just being considerate and smart enough to let you know that it's okay to think that as long as you don't immediately bug us by calling the unlisted number and start swearing at us. Just breathe in and finish reading the instructions. See? There are a few steps left.

4. Realize that your ALICE is currently critiquing your closet, and we have to say that she's not all that impressed. Don't give your excuses to us; tell them to your ALICE.

5. Run from the room, remembering to lock the doors behind you. Will locking the doors keep ALICE out? Hell, no. But while she's evaluating your closet and thusly your soul, you'll have time to read this.

6. After about an hour, she should have finished donating all of your clothes to the homeless shelter. (Truth be told, she wasn't all that sure that the shelter would take them.) Go ahead and open the door. If you tentatively smile and don't mention that you're going to find a way to get your clothes back somehow, your MODEL 01 should then associate you as OWNER.

**COOL THINGS YOUR ALICE COMES WITH:**

1. Wardrobe (for you). Don't fight it. You bought an ALICE, now deal with the consequences.

2. Wardrobe (for her). Note: Wardrobe, depending on where it is being shipped to, make take a while. But don't worry, by the time it arrives your ALICE will have gone through at least fifteen new ones.

3. A debit card with so much money, your ALICE could pay off America's national debt and still be rollin' in it. And with that debit card and impeccable credit history, you won't have to pay a penny for all of those fancy clothes she buys.

4. Classic Library—"Wuthering Heights, Shakespeare, if it's a classic, we've got it!" (Classic Library is merely an associate of CULLEN CORPORATION. Those at CULLEN CORPORATION and Classic Library would like to remind you that just because it's a classic doesn't mean that it's good or good for you. Remember _Dracula_ and _Lolita_?)

5. A canary yellow 911 Turbo, given lovingly by her brother EDWARD.

**YOUR MARY ALICE CULLEN MODEL 01 IS MADE FOR:**

**BODY GUARD WORK:** Seriously, do I have to explain this one? Your ALICE is equipped with a stone-hard body, super strength, super speed, and venom. Plus, nothing's scarier than a pissed-off pixie.

**HITWOMAN WORK:** Okay, so did you read the previous bit? Plus, her sharp-shooting is better than yours, I'll bet, and her small stature helps her blend in with the surroundings and to make quick getaways.

**PERSONAL SHOPPER:** Your girl has got the best fashion sense! Plus, with her vampire speed you can get done one hundred times the shopping you would have done without her! Just make sure to full explain to your ALICE why eating, sleeping, and other human necessities are actually necessities.

**CONFIDENCE BUILDER:** Your ALICE will be the friend you never had. She'll make fun of you sometimes, sure, but then she'll buy you a whole new wardrobe. And who can feel bad wearing brands that royals can't afford?

**TUTOR:** After living for over a century, this girl's got knowledge on _everything_, though fashion will probably be what your ALICE is most eager to teach. For a proper tutor, purchase a CARLISLE CULLEN.

**PSYCHIC:** You know, the kind that can tell the future. For a psychic that can read minds, please purchase an EDWARD CULLEN. **Note:** Your ALICE's ability is very subjective. To save trees, we're not going to write out the specifics here. Let your ALICE tell you _all_ about it. You are able to change this so that she can't tell the future. Just watch out for her mondo-depression after you flip the switch on her back. Her abilities are a crucial part of her identity, and she'll not talk to you or anyone else. (Except a JASPER CULLEN, but you're not going to buy a JASPER CULLEN, are you? See note under HOW SHE ACTS WITH OTHER UNITS.)

**LOVER:** We wouldn't try it, though. We at CULLEN CORPORATION are still working the kinks out of our JASPERs and for all we know, they could have just run out of our factory to kill you and then have run back. We wouldn't be any the wiser.

**HOW SHE ACTS WITH OTHER UNITS:**

**EDWARD CULLEN: **Well, as long as ALICE doesn't tease him too much, and EDWARD isn't too resistant regarding clothing choices, then they're pretty COMPATIBLE.

**JASPER CULLEN:** Come on, don't even try this. If you purchase an ALICE _and_ a JASPER then they won't come out of the bedroom except for ALICE to pick out your outfits for the week.

**ROSALIE CULLEN:** Eh, ROSALIE can be _really_ bitchy and that'll get on ALICE's nerves a lot. They both do have a love of fashion, though, and that will help them to connect. It really depends on what moods your ALICE and ROSALIE are in.

**EMMET CULLEN: **Do EMMETs like to tease EDWARDs? Do ALICEs like to tease EDWARDs? Of course they're COMPATIBLE! Just make sure that your EMMET doesn't insult anyone named Jasper. But it's not like you bought a JASPER, so everything's good.

**ESME CULLEN:** COMPATIBLE. Do you and your mom get along? No? Well then, you'll have no idea how in the world these two are compatible, will you? It's like they're sisters _and_ mother/daughter at the same time! Cue bunnies and rainbows.

**CARLISLE CULLEN:** COMPATIBLE. Just make sure that when you're spending time with you ALICE, you're not inadvertently shunning your CARLISLE. Your CARLISLE will get depressed. Feeling neglected, your CARLISLE will decide that he needs a job and will then work at your local hospital, where he is considered a god and where the ladies try to do not very nice things with him. Either that or he'll go find an ESME.

**BELLA SWAN:** Who doesn't love a human to play with? As long as your ALICE doesn't go overboard with her need for control, they'll be UBER-COMPATIBLE.

**WARRANTY:**

_**This states that the owner of the model may redeem a broken ALICE (how an ALICE gets broken is beyond me) for a toaster. Not a good toaster, mind, but a broken one. This does not mean, however, that an ALICE is worth a broken toaster. ALICEs are worth **_**way**_** more than broken toasters. I'm just broke.**_

**For troubleshooting and FAQs, run to your local bookstore and find our book **_**I BOUGHT A CULLEN! YAY?**_** Special edition excerpt included.**

_**HAVE FUN WITH YOUR MARY ALICE CULLEN MODEL 01!**_

(o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o)

**NOTE**: If you have any ideas for the **Troubleshooting/FAQ** chapter, could you please let me know?

Right-o. The next one will be…JASPER CULLEN!!! YAY! Cheer, dang it! I'll try to get it updated before Saturday. School's starting back up…

I got the idea from the lovely Enjie Yekcam's _ICHIGO: The User's Manual_. She was nice enough to let me try this! Thank you, Enjie!

Also thanks to my beta, Lady Blackbird's Muse, who should be working hard as hell to get this back to me _soon_!


	3. I'm Sorry! Important Author Note!

Okay, guys, I've got a slight problem. Or a big problem. (It's all how your view it and how much you love me!)

The lack of updates so far was because of a whole lot of pieces for school and because I was (to be honest) trying to work on five different stories a night. But now, I have developed a problem in my wrist similar to carpal tunnel due to my unhealthy method of typing. It hurts to type, to hold a pencil, and to grip a book. Thusly, it takes a lot of time to get even a little bit done now and the free time previously used in the pursuit of proper updates is now non-existent.

I'll try to update soon and I'm going the doctor to see what can be done; I just didn't want everyone to get annoyed.

Oh, and my beta has finally decided on the penname The Eldritch Owl! Hopefully, she'll keep this one… (I love you, Squire Marek dearest.)

Please don't give up on me, my wonderful readers!


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